083- Would you hold it against me?

"WOULD YOU HOLD IT AGAINST ME?"

Would you hold it against me, if I told you that you're not the same to me anymore? Would you hold it against me, if I said that I can't recognize you anymore? Would you hold it against me, if I say that I am not me? Would you hold it against me, if I said you are not you? Would you hold it against me, if I knelt down on my knees and said I've had enough? Would you hold it against me, if I said that I can't?

It's true that at the end of stormy path I found a light. I bathed in the warmth, I laughed with my new found clarity... And then on a lonely second of my epiphanic ride, I held my hand out and you caught me. And I couldn't let go. I held on tight...

Wishes were a thousand.. and of thousands were dreams as such. I laughed, I cried, I hoped, I sinned. And all for one destiny. A destination that I thought so surely I'd reach. My fairy tale... My happy ending.

And now, I've lost the hope and my sins mock me through my very reflection. I could so easily blame it all on you.. and yet its not. All I can see is my faults, my mistakes.

You really are not the same anymore.. Neither are you the person I thought you were and nor are you the person I thought you could be. My conscious mocks me, for I chose a shell of a man. A man who I was so sure could give me everything.

I can't help but wonder, am I just insane? Am I just dreaming? Am I ever gonna see reality for what it is? Hopeless, irrevocable chaos. From where there's really no escape. If I take a step back I'll break... If I move forward I'll break.. and if I stay here I'll lose myself.

Would you hold it against me, if I told you that you're not the same to me anymore? Would you hold it against me, if I said that I can't recognize you anymore? Would you hold it against me, if I say that I am not me? Would you hold it against me, if I said you are not you? Would you hold it against me, if I knelt down on my knees and said I've had enough? Would you hold it against me, if I said that I can't? 

082- Writer's Block and Ramblings

Hello! Seems like my blog and I haven't met in AGES. And this I blame on the lack of inspiration that I've been feeling lately.. :/ I seem to be having a writer's block and that sucks big time...

So anyway.. for updates.. I have been attending a workshop conducted by a group of experts in the field of Autism from the U.S of A, and I MUST say that I have never been so sure as to what I wanna do with life. How to get there is the scary part though. :/ I realize that I am very ambitious and at this point I am not sure if its a good thing or a bad thing. But then again its not JUST about me.. I wanna change lives. I wanna bring a smile to someones face and be able to say that *I* made that possible, ya know? :)

[Picture borrowed from here. :)]

Anyway, 2 years ago, right after my O levels I had NO frikkin' idea as to what I wanted to do with life... and now I am so sure. I wanna specialize in Autism. I wanna make a difference for my kids in the association and our society.. I wanna prove to people that I CAN make something of myself. I CAN do things despite being 'young' and 'inexperienced'. Anyway... Just not sure how to get there. o.o



Also, the fact that my expectations from life is so high scares me too.. :/  Scares the hell outta me. :/ I mean what if in 10 years I'm still stuck in the same place? Without growing? How will I deal with that? o.o

I just wanna be somebody, ya know? I feel so connected to my kids... I wanna be able to have the knowledge and expertise it takes to MAKE it possible for them to make a life of their own.. I wanna change lives.. I wanna help open people's mind to multiple possibilities for people with Autism.

Anyway... I am gonna go to sleep now. I just realized that I wasn't updating much so decided to ramble just to have something to post. =P

If this post is boring, or doesn't make any sense, then I am sorry. Its the writer's block I tell you! :O

Goodnight! <3

081- House of Glass

The walls were thin, from the start.
Those walls of glass, that shook so much.
The house that was made, with a fragile heart.
The house that threatened, to fall with one touch.
Oh she lay by the window, which once shone bright.
The same tiny window, which witnessed so many fights.
She shed rivers of tears, she fought the endless fears.
The end was getting near, It was oh so clear.
He was indeed the one, the only manic she knew.
Brighter than the sun, she glowed on the outer view.
Darker than any darkness, at times he caused grief as such.
A feeling of utter happiness, it only took his slightest touch.
She gave and gave, until was left with nothing.
More proof could she have, that he stood for her everything.
He was good though, he always knew to receive.
What he was never sure, was what he was supposed to believe.
So the walls were thin, from the start.
Those walls of glass, that shook so much.
It took one walk out the door,
 crumbled the walls of the House of Glass.
She lay on the floor, the breaths came low,
A smile was what she gave, as soon she’ll pass.

080- Believe

The following poem is dedicated to all the students at the Autism Center that I work with..

You, who know not of deceit,
You, who won't accept defeat.
You, who takes pain by the front seat,
Oh you, who oozes bravery with every heartbeat.

You, who has so less yet so much,
You, who knows no evil or any such.
You, who takes it all inside,
Oh you, who still can give a smile.

You, who should know this story,
You, who's worthy of this glory.
You, who showed me courage and endurance,
Oh you, who taught me adjust and acceptance.

You, who I didn't know existed,
You, who showed the cowardice I reflected.
You, who should know I gave up once,
Oh you, who should know I had blessings in tonnes.

You, who have so much less than me,
You, who endure so much pain to feel.
You, who showed me reason to live,
You should know, you make me believe...

079- The Addicts' Wife

Some people say addiction is a disease; others say it’s a weakness, I say it’s both. It’s a disease that engulfs the person with a terrible weakness.  It’s a disease with just one cure and that’s support.
 
My name is Zeyba and I am a recovering addicts’ wife.

My husband is loving, he’s caring and at times like a prince from a fairytale. He’s also a lot of other things.  But that’s okay coz I made a pledge and I’d stand by him every rough patch on this road. Support, remember that’s the cure.

In a lot of ways my life and his are quite the same. We were both victims to a countless misfortunes as just little kids. The only difference was the paths that we took to deal with the pain. But somewhere along the way we both stopped thinking of ourselves as victims and rather reminded each other that our past was what made us stronger, better.

Mistakes were something that was a huge part of our lives, but somewhere along the way we taught each other to not let the mistakes control our lives. Instead it was what drove us to fight to be better, happier people. And even through the worst of times, our dreams never wavered. We dreamed, and in every one of those dreams we were together, happy.

And when we were together, it was magic. It is magic. Our love restored a faith in our hearts. Faith in the existence of a god. The same God that put us through a countless tests only to will our hearts to find each other. The God that willed us to heal our broken hearts with a love that never changed through the years.

I remember days when we had just started dating. I remember days when he fed me with his own hands every time we had a meal together. And I remember the times my heart raced every time he smiled. I remember the goose bumps all over my skin with just one kiss. And it takes all my pain away to know that even today he’d feed me with his hands. Even today, a smile and my heart races. Even today, one kiss and goose bumps cover every inch of my skin.

Don’t get me wrong, things aren’t always rainbows and butterflies. Things can be lightning storms and thunders from time to time. He’ll get on my nerves, he’d say hurtful things but patience can only solve the problems that come between us. I get angry so many times, but I always remember to calm down before I talk to him. And I learnt this with a thousand mistakes.

A thousand tears were shed in those times that he fought to be sober. His body weakened, his eyes hallucinating- It broke my heart. His hands pleading in front of me for the pain to go away. It cracked my faith but it never broke. I held on to the hope coz I knew I could never give up on him. I knew eventually this would be worth all of my tears and his. 

Today I am proud to say that I stand beside the man that I believed he could be 15 years ago. I stand beside a transformed man. It’s as though he was never the helpless person that I met so long ago. He’s my husband, father to my child and owner of a happy house that we like to call home.

But the road up to this point was heart. Every step of the way my patience was put to test. But I stuck around coz I wasn’t the only one changing or healing him, he changed and healed me too. And one thing that I’ll have to believe that any second my life could take a turn to the bad side. Relapsing is something I have to believe is not too far from us. But thats okay coz I’ll stand by him through thick and thin. I'll never let him fall.

Support, remember that’s the cure.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

People make mistakes. Sometimes some people make bigger mistakes than others, that however does not mean that they couldn't change. Every addict has a right to have a supportive environment. Every addict has a right to be given a chance to prove themselves. And we should believe in our hearts that change does not happen over night. It takes time. 

Support is what I believe will eliminate addiction from our society.

078- Respect and Accept.

I've written this piece of poetry from what I imagine to be an autistic point of view. Although I am sure there's so much more to what one would feel and for that I'll always show compassion to each and every one. I do not believe that Autism is a disease or an illness. Its simply is a disorder. DIS ORDER, As in a different order than how our brains are wired. Although this does not mean that it makes their intellect less or damaged. It simply means its different whilst harboring all the potential as you or me has for excellence. :)

So always remember different, NOT less.

And so hear goes into advocating respect and acceptance for Autism.

--------------------------------------------------------

What good is order when order makes no sense?
It matters when disorder makes you tense,
I admit around me is this tall fence,
But I promise I am without false pretense.

At times I cannot say those words,
I can’t understand those huge billboards,
A man naked above huge roads,
Thoughts inside of me grows tenfold.

Mostly its people I can’t understand,
Expressions havocking as a marching band,
Things spinning that pulls me out of my stand,
I wish you’d be my guiding hand.

I find I can’t express what I feel,
And no, I do not wish to heal,
It is what truly makes me real,
Although in my eyes, the world is surreal.

At times, a hug seems too much,
As though I am on fire or something as such,
As though I suffocate with just one touch,
At the core of my heart it does truly clutch.

I am different that too I’ve always known,
And my feelings could never be truly shown,
And with every second my love has grown,
And it’s not my wish to forever be alone.

I wish you’d show me some respect,
I wish you’d understand what I expect,
It not much to tell me that you accept,
Differences aside, show how to adapt.

Treat me as though I am one of you,
Treat me as though I have feelings too,
Heal me when I feel like forever blue,
Save me each time, forever be true.                            

076- Magic

[Photography by moi. ^^ ]

Demons engulf my hearts' depth,
Nightmares cover every inch of my sleep.
Haunting are the secrets that I have kept,
And alone I feel I am losing myself.

Cynical I am for that's how I've been,
Pessimist I was and somehow still am.
Situations and disasters I should've never seen,
You're the only soul to put me out of shame.

With you the demons stop existing,
As though the nightmares I never saw.
The secrets are in hands of protecting,
Every cell of my body would never let go.

For what good is logic,
That got me nowhere.
Worthwhile is this MAGIC,
We've spread everywhere.