051- Letters to My Bestfriend [Post 049 Continued.]

Dear Emily,
I sit here by the computer with no light surrounding me except the light from my screen. I sat here reading and re-reading the letter I wrote to you a year ago on this very day. Yes, it has been 1 year and six days since you left. And quite a year it has been.

After my endless attempts at sabotaging my whole life by not going to school and after I went deaf and dumb, my family finally forced me enough to get a grip. To be honest, it wasn't even them. It was the thought that you would be crushed if you knew I had become that person. The person who stops living after one bump along the way. I didn't want to be that person.

I pulled myself together, I started going to school. I studied hard, I pulled up my grades and I even started eating dinner with everyone Mom and Dad. Mom keeps telling me I should make new friends, and so I started hanging out with our old gang. But it still isn't the same without you. Jenny and Martha keeps treating me as though I am a charity case. And that pisses the hell out of me. But I cant even say anything to get out of their endless pity parties.

And here I am today after a year, still standing straight. But I wonder Em, I wonder if I am REALLY living. It feels like ever since you died, I died WITH you. I feel like a lifeless being walking around doing what everyone wants me to do. Smiling and faking every day of my life. And I can't help but wonder what you would say, if you had been here.

I still miss you everyday and I still feel stuck. The only difference is that I can fake it now. I can fake the hell out of it.

Love,
Kate.