071- I tell Lies. I tell 'em good.

[Photography by moi! Not borrowed this time. ^^ Oh and hand modeling by moi too. :P]

I tell lies. I tell 'em good. Speaking through my mind, I paint my dreams on a canvas of people that have no idea of who I really am. Dreams that scares me a lot more than it does calm me. And the constant fear of it never coming true, is the thing that drives me to deceive those that think they know me.. And quite honestly, I don't know how I SHOULD deal with it. The fear I mean...

So I tell lies. I tell 'em good. Lies which in reality, are just my dreams. My desperate attempts at making those even remotely true. The lies that comes out in a string through my teeth, its just me telling myself that those lies/dreams are true. It is a desperate hope to make myself believe that I was never disappointed. A desperate hope that somehow making someone else believe that my dreams are my reality will somehow MAKE it my reality in the end.

The funny thing is the doubts still invade my mind.. What if my dreams just remain dreams, what if it may never become my reality? What do I do when everyone finds out I deceived them? What do I do when I realize I deceived MYSELF? How do I move on from that?

I guess I'd just have to learn to be content in believing my own sweet lies. At least its true for a while..

So.. Yes, I tell lies. I tell 'em good.

045- Venting Out.

[Picture borrowed from http://www.flickr.com/photos/x_jessica_rose_x/2831042174/ ]

Lately, I have been bottling up so much inside of me. I have been putting on a pasted smile on my face and pretending that I am completely fine. But to be honest, I don't suppose I am. All my life I have been bottling my root problems somewhere inside of me while I invented trivial and stupid melodramatic 'problems' and completely messing up my chance of  completely healing.

And for a while, I was fine that way. I was fine with people labeling as a depressed, dramatic person who just couldn't let go of drama. Anything was better for me than facing my deep and darkest demons. It somehow did work for me at some point. Pretending that all my problems were just stupid teen melodrama. For a while I felt just like any other teenager with boy problems and rebellion. Everyone else saw me that way too. My family and my friends. I was just a messed up drama queen who had only one sole purpose of attention seeking. And I was fine with it. I was NORMAL. Right?

And then a while ago, someone walked into my life. Staring into my soul through my eyes. For some reason, everything just spilled out of me when he asked. Even though it wasn't without fighting myself to keep my walls up around me, I eventually bared my soul to him. I told him my whole story. Beginning til end, without keeping anything. And for some reason he listened.

But he was bound to leave. I knew that somewhere in the corners of my mind. And even so, when he walked out, it all changed. I feel lost. He was the one person I could talk to without any pretense or disguise. And now when he's not here, I feel like I am empty inside. He is the one who knows everything, who knows my story.  I can't understand how I can just start over and tell anyone else my story. It'll be overwhelming. He's the one who knows, he's the one who can help. And without him, I feel like I've lost sight of what I truly feel or who I really am. I just feel like a combination of what people WANT me to be and what *I* want people to THINK I am. Which is happy-go-lucky and walking on frikkin sunshine.

And even though I am pretty sure I cannot live [Well, I can LIVE, but it'll just suck a lot. So the 'cannot live' part is just figure of speech.] without having him in my life in some way, I can't really ask him for anything. He is struggling on his own, and somehow I feel like I have no right to dump my problems over his. I have to stay away from the very thing that tore us apart. I have to keep my distance. But I am lost without him.. I just wish he knew..

I am just sort of stuck now, and I don't know how to move forward...