074- A Happiness worth the Doom?

What I want is what I shouldn't have

What I shouldn't have is what makes me Happy,

What makes me Happy is what will make me Doomed,

So basically the question is, Is my Doom worth my Happiness?

063- Faith Bulb.

A friend said to me today that Faith is not some kinda Eternal Flame. And that instead its a f**ked up light bulb that flickers. That LIFE is what makes our Faith flicker.

I was very curious about religion even as a child. And there were some very awkward moments when I questioned my sisters why hidhuism couldnt be it. [Thanks to being brought up in a home with 24/7 Hindhi soap series on the TV. =P] Anyway, as I grew older I knew what was right not just because my parents told me so, but because I researched and read things and decided on my own what I would choose to believe.

I believe myself to have a good morale, a conscience that's still alive. I think I've always had Faith. I think I've always believed. But as my friend said, the Faith bulb flickers. And so did mine. At several points of my life. And it saddens me that tonight seems to be one of those points in my life.

I have a tendency of making mistakes and then REPEATING them on top of it. I honestly don't know why I do it. And according to what *I* believe, a man is suppose to control his actions. And the fact that my own behaviour goes against my beliefs completely pisses me off at times. Moments like these is when the Faith bulb threatens to blow off. Moments like these is when I catch myself to be without reason and hopeless..

[ Picture borrowed from beyondthecanvas.blogspot.com ]

Faith is what keeps me from harming my own self. Image and mentality both. Faith is what protects me from a cruel world. Faith is what gives me hope just enough to exclude being disappointed. Faith is what teaches me boundaries. And Faith is what holds me together.

I guess I knew what would put me out of my misery even as I was writing this.. Its that I gotta get that bulb back on. Coz even when every single person leaves my side, Faith is what will keep me together.. isn't it?

062- 'Feelings?'

I realized that I am not a good person.. I try to be. Really hard. And yet I end up making mistake after mistake hoping that the outcome would be different. I must be either really stupid or clinically insane. I do this thing where when I am unhappy about something I do something that I HOPE would take my mind off it which actually just makes everything much worse. I am looking desperately for an escape and every door just seems to lead me to a path that will sink me deeper into this shit.

Honestly I am tired of making mistakes. But I dont have any idea what to do about it...

054- A picture, Memories and A Ghost of a Smile.

Life for me will always be one without you here by my side. A life where I wont see you smile
down at me, the way you always did before. A smile that I'll forever remember until I die.

Life will always be one where I wont see your handsome face. Instead I'll always carry a picture.
A picture to which, every night I'll say goodnight. A picture on which I'll lay a kiss every
night before I sleep.

And yes, the memories. The memories I take wherever I go. Whatever I do. The memories of a loving You and a lucky me. The memories of a guy who loved me like I was the only thing in the world. The memories of a perfect time. The memories of my smile whenever you were around. Memories which, every time conjured up a ghost of that smile.

Yes, it would hurt, never being able to see those eyes. It would hurt never being able to be held in
your arms. It would hurt so much to never hear you say my name. And it would hurt like hell to
never be able to call you mine. But what would hurt the most is knowing that I chose this life,
a life without you. Coz as much as we want our own happy ending, seldom does things ever go the we thought it would..

And so a picture I hug before I sleep. Memories I carry wherever I go. And that ghost of a smile
is all I have left of the person I used to be...

036- The Last Letter.

Dear Batman,

Remember that first hello on the screen of Your computer? Remember that first smile I gave when I saw You walk through my open door? Remember that first kiss? Remember at all?

Well, I do. I remember how I felt happy to see a single word flash across my computer screen. I remember the way You adjusted Your shades on Your forehead attractively while you stared at me with a smile on Your face. I remember the look of surprise on Your face when I kissed you for the first time. I remember all those promises. I remember You telling me that You would never let me down. And You telling me that You will never let my family down. I remember all the hopes and expectations of starting a life together. I remember You telling me that You love me and care about it, well, if You did, this day would have never come. I remember all the dreams of a better tomorrow. WITH EACH OTHER.

I wonder how You can just  chose to walk out of my life, when all I have ever done is love You with all my heart and stand beside You every step of the way. How can You just forget all that we have been through. All Your promises. All the hopes and dreams. I wonder how You can even think of just pretending to be 'friends' when *I* honestly can't let go of what I feel for You. I can't forget that You are the only person that I've completely opened up to. You're the only person that I let in. You're the only person that I have loved this way. How can I forget all the dreams that You showed me?  How can I just move past all of it and just be your 'friend'?  I am sorry, but I can't do that.

We could've had a life together. You could have been a better person. I could've made You happy. And yet it didn't even take a second for You to throw it all away. I can say with confidence that You will NEVER find someone who will love You like I did. And I guarantee You that You cannot find anyone that can accept everything about You like the way I did.

I was stupid to have trusted You. I was stupid to believe that You could change. I was stupid to open myself up to You. I should've never let You in.  I feel so angry at myself to think that I have wasted my time on something that could've never gone my way. I thought that things would be different. That we could somehow work things out. But I was really wrong. All the times that I lectured You, all the conversations we had, it has all gone to waste. I feel so mad that I let You get close to me. I think this has been one of the stupidest mistakes I have ever made.

And so, this my last letter to You. The last attempt at telling You how I feel. I will make sure that from this day forward, I don't need You in my life. I will make sure that I never let anyone so close to me as You were. I'll make sure that no one can hurt me the way You did. I am letting You go, along with all the hopes and dreams that You shattered with Your own bare hands.

From this day forward, You don't exist to me. You not anything in my eyes anymore. I don't love You and nor do I hate You. I feel NOTHING for You now. And this is my last Goodbye.

035- Lets find Peace.

Dear Batman,


We wake up every morning cursing the world coz we're forced to wake up early and get to work. We drag our feet along the floor and reluctantly go about our Fajr prayers and getting ready for work while we constantly curse everything around us in our mind. In Your case, You miss the mornings altogether. [Well, most of the time. =P] We tend to ignore the beautiful morning light streaming through our open doors, brightening the darkness of the fading night. We tend to ignore the cold comfortable morning air hugging every inch of our bodies. We ignore the peaceful sound of silence, where the world has been blanketed in a cloth of serenity. Why is it, that we curse this very peaceful time of the day?

I think we focus too much on what's bad. Honey, why are we so hung up on thinking about what we never had, or had and lost, or the things that are just plainly unfortunate? Lets think about about whats good tonight, shall we?

We get to see the morning sun rising up in the baby blue sky and the clouds surround her by each side. We get to see the flying birds making its way up in the skies. We get to feel the morning breeze caressing our skin and waking our senses. We get to feel the warm sunlight touch our face with its gentle grace. We get to hear the birds singing their serenades filling our minds with peace and calm.

And after a long day of work, we get to come home along the streets while we take in the beauty of another gorgeous dusk. Colors of red and orange and purple replacing the yellow sunlight while the mighty sun sinks down low into the water. We get to see the million lights that fills the night sky every night. We get to see a shining moon up in the sky. We get to feel the cool night breeze calming our senses and taking our tiredness away.

Imagine, a man without his sight. Imagine what he would give to be able to see the things that You and I can. Imagine a man without his sense of hearing. Imagine what he would do to be able to hear those birds singing and the sounds of breeze in his hair. Imagine a man without his legs, what he would do to be able to get up and work and stand up on his own. Imagine a man, without a home. What he would give to be able to have a roof over his head. Imagine a life where You starve everyday, where You beg for a drop of water. Imagine someone without the ability to feel or touch. Imagine the life of emptiness.

Yes, I know our life's not perfect. We have a roof over our heads, but its not how it should've been. But we at least HAVE a roof. HAVE a home. There's so many things that we would change if we could. But sometimes, life is just about accepting the bad and focusing on the good. Like AT  LEAST we have our 5 senses. With God's grace we're in good health. Masha Allah.

Honey, don't waste the life that God has gifted us with. The hardships that we have to go through, is just another test among many that we have to face. You and I, we have been through a lot. And we have to accept that life is not perfect. We're the ones who make it perfect. We're the ones who can make a change. I can't change Your life and You can't change mine. But we can change our own lives. Hun, work hard, strive to make that change. Use the things that God ha gsifted You with. Use Your legs and stand up on Your own. Coz hun, remember a person without his legs would kill to have that chance to BE able to stand. And You ARE gifted with it. Don't let it go to waste.

Don't focus on the bad. Always think about the things that are good. And I know, that there will be times when You feel sad, and You feel like giving up. But don't stop. Don't lose Your faith. Just change the way You see everything and I promise, eventually you'll find Your peace.

And remember that You're gifted with something above everything else. That is to love someone and have that person love You in return. I know I am not there with You now, but this is a gift we have been blessed with. We may not be together, but You at least know that there is someone somewhere who keeps You in her prayers and misses You everyday. And loves You with all her heart.

So strive, hun. Push Yourself and Insha Allah oneday You WILL be the man that I know You can be. The man that YOU want to be.

Love always,
<3

031- Living in a Bubble.

I feel like all my life I have been living in a bubble. Like there is a wall between me and the rest of the world. A wall where I can see the other side clearly, but all THEY see is what I show them. People label me and judge me. They assume things about me. And I let them. ANYTHING is better than the ugly truth. And what IS the ugly truth, you ask? That's a secret I'll never tell. :P

Once someone told me that, all his life he has been living in a box. [I even blogged about it. :P] And so have I. I have been so used to being in that box. Well actually its more like in my box are my emotions. *I* am probably not in there. Coz as far as the world can see, I am smiling wide in front of them. Very real. The box contains all those thoughts and all those emotions that I've blocked out. The emotions that I've tossed aside.

Well, anyway, right now.. Things have kinda taken a turn from where I have no idea to return back to the norm. I need a certain someone right now. A certain someone that I know would get what I am going through. But that person seems to have that person's own problems. That person needs time and space. And so I am trying to give it to that person. But I can't help reaching out every once in a while, coz I am in a rut too. But I don't wanna ask for that person's help. Yes, I NEED that person's help. But I WONT ask for it. I don't want to seem clingy and needy.

I am confused, I am angry, I am sad. I feel like I am having a manic episode every single day. I am feeling so many things at once. I feel like I have a weigh on my shoulders that I cannot lift. But do know this, that I am trying my best. I WONT fall down. I won't give up that easily. But it wouldn't hurt if that person gave me a hand. If only that person would get that I really need that person right now. If only we could set OUR problems aside and deal with YOUR problems and MINE.

030- The things I couldn't say.

Its been almost three years since we met. A lot has happened between us in these three years. We've had our ups and we've had our downs. The downs might have been a lot more than the ups we had. We had our fights and we had our laughs. There were times I was so mad at you that seeing you was just way too much to handle. I wanted to scream, I wanted to physically hurt you at times. And yet even today, you're still someone that I care about.

I still remember the good times we had. The times you made me laugh and the times you made me smile. The time we stood watching the rain in a stinky old garage. The time you came to see me at midnight on my birthday, so that you'd be the first one to wish me. And remember that time, I chased after you with my heeled shoe? hehehe. I also remember the times you teased me, and yet I knew you wouldn't change a thing about me.

I wanna be clear that these things I remember, I don't remember them because I am still in love with you. I do love you, I always will in my own way. But I am not in love with you now. The point is we had our fair share of good times. And you WERE there for me when it really counts. You helped me stand when I had no way of getting up. And I will always be grateful for that.

I know you're going through a lot now. I know its really hard, but you will never admit that to anyone. You've always been that way. I know you're too proud to ask for help. And maybe you don't want me to be there for you. And being there for you will create so many problems for me, and I still don't care. I feel like I should somehow be there, even if you don't want me to. I want you to know you're not alone. I want you to know its okay for you to need someone. Its okay to ask for help. And I am here. I always will be. As a friend, as someone who cares about you.

Just let me help, please let me be there. Coz the thought of losing you, even if you were never really in my life for real, it scares me. It scares more than you can ever imagine...

017- Don't give up on me.

Even when the times are rough,
Even when it seems too much,
Even when the hope is lost,
Just don't give up.

Even when it seems impossible,
Even when everyone leaves,
Even when everything's gone,
Just don't give up.

Even when I am the only one,
Even when you've lost it all,
Even when you want run,
Just hold on. Don't let me go. Just fight. Just don't give up.

016- 26 things I'd like to do before I die.

26* Learn how to swim.
25* Learn how to play guitar.
24* Learn a new language.
23* Spend a week in bed doing absolutely nothing.
22* Hit a guy hard between the legs.
21* Sky dive.
20* Jump from a cliff and still survive.
19* Build a career in Special Education.
18* Change a life.
17* Find true love.
16* Get married.
15* Have a baby.
14* Build a good home.
13* Bring up a good daughter/son.
12* Be someone's Everything.
11* Make someone proud.
10* Earn a Masters Degree.
9* Run a help hotline for victims of rape/abuse.
8* Build a school that provides education for children with disabilities.
7* Go to Rome.
6* Travel the world.
5* Make a Hajj.
4* Settle a score with Someone that has wronged me.
3* Feel how it feels like to find true happiness.
2* Ask God for forgiveness for everything that I did wrong.
1* Thank God for everything that he had given me.

007- Maldivian Society Through My Inexperienced Eyes.

To start off this post, I would like you to keep in mind that I am not very much familiar with many many things about this society and how it works. Some of it pretty much basic, I guess. So forgive me for any error in this piece of writing.

There is so much wrong with this society and to name a few, corruption and gang violence would be at the top of the list.

For the past three days I have been going to the nearby shop to buy my usual Dutch Lady chocolate milk packet. And I was astonished to find out that the price had gone up by 1 rufiyya for each day. I hear my Mamma complain that the price of the groceries has gone up as well. And these prices hasn't gone up just by one or two rufiyyas. It has gone up about a minimum of 10-20 rufiyya in the past few months. And this is speaking of almost all the basic products that we use on a daily basis.

Recently there were strikes regarding this very problem. People came together to voice their concerns regarding the change in the dollar exchange rate and the prices of the commodities that we consume daily. These strikes were SUPPOSEDLY lead by the 'youth' of our society. What was sickeningly hilarious was that all *I* saw was parliament members and political party members losing what little shame and dignity they had left on national television. The clips of their atrocious behavior had reached the international media as well.

The whole point of these strikes were to voice the concerns related to the difficulties us, commoners faced because of these changes in prices. But I was shaken with disapproval and distaste to witness these so called leaders of our society shouting their throats sore to bring down the current president. They were way off the point and these strikes made no change in the standard of our living. Unfortunately, all it did was cause terror in the hearts of the people and made us lose a few nights good sleep that we could have had. What I don't understand is, if all they wanted was to bring down the current government, then why do it in a false pretense of the welfare of the public? Why not just sit outside the president's palace and shout your rear end off?

Night before last night, I was watching the news with my family. I heard on the news that an enormous sum of money was being set aside by the ruling party to buy parliament members of the opposition party. An estimated sum of 29 million was being set aside for this disgraceful, immoral purpose while the people of this nation struggled every single day to try and feed their families. While these people are trying desperately to make ends meet and barely getting there. Where is the humanity? Where is the public welfare that these people talked about while they filled our ears with false promises?

And these people, so many of them who changed their parties and all of what they were said to have believed, for the sole purpose of money and power, I wonder if they even had a single ounce of guilt in their hearts. These people who stood up at podiums and screamed their voices hoarse with accusations that this government was corrupted and this government was this and that, do they even have a single ounce regret while they go and join forces with this said corrupted government? Just selling their soul for money and power without a thought. I guess when you accumulate enough money and power, all your morals and shame just vanishes into thin air.

It also breaks my heart to see the youth of this society just wasting away with no sense of purpose or responsibility. A huge percent of our youth under the influence of addiction and what's left of them in the darkness of depression. And what breaks my heart even more is that these problems are just ignored and pretended to not exist while the people of this society are busy fighting over which political party should rule the country. These individuals, each with the ability to improve, to get better, to stand up, if only someone just bothered enough to give them a push, they are just tossed aside like filth. So many of the youth being abused while growing up, just ignored and unnoticed. So many of the young girls being raped and assaulted, just unseen.

Recovering drug addicts, falling off their wagons. Why? Coz when they tried to change, nobody acknowledged it. Nobody gave them a chance. Trying to find a job, a purpose in life, and constantly being dragged down by this society. So eventually they turn to drugs again. And that leading to gang violence. That leading to mistake after mistake after mistake. All because they made one mistake, they tried to change, but the judgmental hypocrites of this society just enjoyed putting them down. These teenagers, the youth, the future of this very country,  they are just falling and falling with nobody below to catch them.

Another issue that bothers me is that, in name, we are a 100% muslim country. And yet, there's nothing about this country that could prove this fact. Adultery, it's strictly prohibited in Islam. And yet, this is something that's as common as drinking water after a meal. Child abuse, domestic violence and homosexuality, ALL prohibited in Islam. And yet, here, in this country it's an everyday ordeal. Not a day goes by without hearing of someone who got raped, or a kid being abused, or a baby being thrown somewhere, or that someone assaulted someone with a sharp object. It is true that in the past few years, people have become more aware and in touch with our religion. But as some people come on to the right path and try to amend their ways, others are going overboard into the path that will lead to nothing but a house of fire on the last day.

I love my country, this is my home. And wherever I go, I am pretty sure I will carry a piece of my home with me. And eventually I WILL come back to this place in the end. But I have begun to hate what my home has become...

006- We are 'Happy' Family?

I am one of those people who believes in family. Family comes first. Siblings come above everything else. Why? Well, I always thought no matter how screwed up a family is, eventually they stick up for each other. But lately, I've begun to doubt it.

Lately, it just seems like as we grow older, we eventually withdraw into ourselves. We get caught up in our own lives, our own problems, our own world. We forget about family, and the rare times that we do remember, we remember them with distaste. We remember them with disapproval, disappointment and hopelessness. We can't seem to find the time to help each other out. We can't seem to find the time to say hello. And rarely do we ever say that we love each other anymore.

Home was the place I thought I would always be. But lately, it feels congested. I feel suffocated. I feel like I can't breathe when I am here. I feel like I need to get away. I feel like somehow no matter how hard we try, we end up disappointing those who we care about. We have become strangers. The only thing tying us to each other is our blood.

I can't seem to find even a slight trace of the family we used to be. The laughter, the closeness and the bonding has disappeared. Things aren't the same. Our situation has changed. Our characters has changed. We ourselves have changed beyond recognition.

We're standing together, but we stand all alone.