033- Song-a-letter! [A letter with bits and pieces of lyrics]

Note: If you happen to be one of those people who doesn't like lovey dovey, emo-ish, hopeless romantic type letters/posts please skip this one. :)

Dear The guy I miss,

To be completely honest, it scares me to imagine what life would be without you. Although there are so many things against us, I've decided that I'm not giving you up, no... We'll find a way to be together. However long it takes, wherever. If it means having you for only a moment, a moment just might be enough. I'm not giving you up! Coz I am broken when I am lonesome, and I don't feel right when you're gone away.  Is it all wasted time? Can you look at yourself when you think of what you left behind? Can you feel me inside your heart as its bleeding? Why can't you believe you can be loved? I see your true colors shining through, I see your true colors and thats why I love you!

Lying in my bed I hear the clock tick and I think of you. Turning in circles, confusion is nothing new. Flashbacks to warm nights almost left behind. I’m here without you baby, but your still on my lonely mind. I think about you baby and I dream about you all the time. What a wicked game you play, to make me feel this way. What a wicked thing to do, to let me dream of you. What hurts the most, was being so close. Having so much to say, and watching you walk away. I am here alone, don't wanna leave. My heart wont move, its incomplete. Wish there was a way to make you understand. Maybe I am addicted, I am out of control, but you're the drug that keeps me from dying. No one, no one, no one can get it the way of what I am feeling. No one can get in the way of what I feel for you! I've been locked inside your heart shaped box for weeks. And I wonder if I ever cross your mind. For me it happens all the time.

And when you fall apart am I the reason for your endless sorrow? There's so much to be said. And with a broken heart your walls can only go down but so low. Can you hear me when I call your name? When the evening shadows and the stars appear. And there is no one there to dry your tears. I could hold you for a million years, to make you feel my love. I know you haven't made your mind up yet, but I would never do you wrong.

I don't wanna run away but I can't take it, I don't understand. If I am not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am? Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?

Love always,
The girl who hopes you miss her.

027- Learning to Survive.

 

I long to see Your light filled eyes,
But all I see is this empty room.
I want to hear Your soothing voice,
But all I see is a phone that never rings.
I want to feel Your face close to mine,
But all I see is these thousand miles.
I want to hold Your hand in mine,
But when I reach out, its just empty space.
I want You to notice that I find this hard,
I want You realize I could give up now.
I am losing my hope with every passing second,
I want You to know I could give up now.
Would You hate me if I walk away,
Would You hate me if I say goodbye.
Coz darling, this distance is killing me,
I am starting lose the patience I had.
I've started to question your love for me,
Coz darling, You're never around.
I spend all day by the phone,
All I wanted was just one call.
I spend every second by the door,
All I wanted was to see You walk through.
Its all gone now, my dreams, my wishes,
I've learnt to survive alone in my mind.
I've learnt to live every passing day,
Without a call, without you here...

022- Today.

 Dear Batman,

Today, I am blogging from the place where I work. Everyone has left the office and gone home. I sit here alone listening to 'The dock of the bay by Sara Bareilles'. I am trying to savor the quiet, the silence. I wanna just pause the spiral of thoughts that seems to be circling at a 1000mph. I'll sit here as long as I need to clear my head. Coz honey, You've left my mind in a tangle.

Today, I am smiling. You know how people say work is stress, well I dare to differ. Work is therapeutic for me. I get to do what I love, and I get to avoid all the drama that seems to come from either relationships or friends and family. [No offense intended. You know I love ya. :P]

Today, right now, in this moment, I seem to be at peace. This place with its off white walls, [That's soon gonna be filled with art (hopefully with my genius ideas. ;) ) to lessen its slight dullness] dark brown doors and a cozy little table [which is the reception area.] with a comfy chair seems to calm my mind. I stare at the white fan as it goes round and round as does this earth with every passing second. But *I* somehow seem to be stuck. And oddly enough, I wanna remain like this. I don't wish to move forward. I just want You to stop those steps that you're taking forward and turn around. Coz hun, I have stopped walking. You gotta notice that I can't move forward anymore. You gotta understand that it'll hurt me if I try. You gotta come back. You gotta come stand beside me. You gotta stay here with me, until I CAN move. You gotta stop for me.

Today, as of now, I am drifting away from the mess that is unfortunately my life at the moment. Some music for my soul and some alone time for my mind is all I need as of now. Yes, I miss my life outside of these four walls. I miss the people who care about me. I miss the people who I KNOW loves me. But, the time I spend with them, it seems to be drifting us apart. Especially You and me. I screw up. A lot. But You already know that by now..

Today, I wanna lose myself and preferably never be found. But its up to You, to look for me. If You find me, I'll take it as a sign from God that this is meant to be. So, if You want me, come find me.


Love always.
I will always be here. :)

020- Pause.

I don't want to take another step,
But I don't want to go back either.
I don't want to move forward,
And yet I can't go back anymore.
I wanna lose myself in this moment,
A moment where its all in place.
I'll lose myself if I move forward,
I am sure I'll lose you, if I step back.
The house of cards that I keep building,
Over and over again.
It comes crashing down around me,
The echoes leaving me shaken.
Listen to my heart beat, darling,
Its singing my heart's melody.
The words are pouring through me,
If you listen you'll get the story.
Its telling you the things I want,
It says, 'Just stop here and now.
Lets freeze this moment of clarity,
Let it be, darling, just don't force.
Just halt this day of no confusion,
Listen, darling, lets just pause.'

014- Search For You...

I woke up with thoughts of you,
that's still fresh in my mind.
I reached out and searched for you,
but your face I couldn't find.

I woke up with a dream of you,
that's still playing behind my eyes.
Only you and you alone,
I had broken all the worldly ties.

I woke up with a hope for you,
And in my heart a faith so blind.
I reached out and searched for you,
But your face I couldn't find...

011- Honey, You need to lose some weight?

Suppose your boyfriend/husband tells you that you need to lose weight. What do you do? How do you react? A thousand questions runs through your mind as soon as the words are out of his mouth. Does he hate the way I look? Does he think I am ugly? Suppose if I get even bigger, will he leave me for someone with a better body? Will he stop loving me if I fail to lose weight? Is he only into looks? Is he even worth it? Etc etc.

And eventually these questions, they plague your mind with insecurities. You start feeling self conscious when you're around him. You start second guessing yourself. You start losing your self-worth. You start feeling frustrated. You wanna just cut out that part of you that he doesn't like. Basically, you feel like shit.

Is this how someone who loves you should make you feel? Is this how you feel when you're with that one person who claims to love you despite everything? Shouldn't he tell you that you're beautiful, no matter what? Isn't he suppose to find you attractive even when you have just woken up from the bed with your hair all over your face and god forbid, some drool running down the corner of your lips? Isn't he suppose to tell you you're beautiful when you have a really bad cold and your eyes are all swollen and your nose is all red and you have snotty tissues all over your bed?

If he makes you feel like shit, then is he truly the one you're meant to be with? Is he the one you see your whole life with? Imagine a life where you have to feel like you're ugly and unworthy of anyone's love. Imagine a life where you compare yourself with every person you see and the only thing you see are the way sometimes your tummy flab hangs and your thighs jiggle every time you walk. It's okay to feel that way sometimes, if only you have someone to tell you're beautiful no matter how you look. Someone who sees a beautiful person when he looks into your eyes. Someone who thinks you're gorgeous even when you wear your baggy clothes and hide every inch of your skin. Someone who sees you in you. But if that person says you're ugly and fat too then you're screwed.

You know he loves you and you know he's just saying those things coz he wants you to feel good about yourself. But how he says it is the most important thing. If he doesn't choose his words right, he's bound to lose something that could've been the best thing in his life.

So.. Is he the one you want to spend the rest of your life with?

004-Eternal Haze

The memories of his yesterday,
Marred in his mind, his heart and soul.
Couldn't bring himself to kneel and pray,

And as he tries to stand, apart he falls.

The mirror in which we saw our dreams,
Its broken and scattered beneath our feet.
All we can hear, are the echos of screams,

Of our yesterday- it knocks on our door and greets.

Twisted we are, forsaken and lost,
Trying to find our way in this endless maze.
Fighting our demons, our haunting ghosts,
Finally we meet, in this eternal haze.