083- Would you hold it against me?

"WOULD YOU HOLD IT AGAINST ME?"

Would you hold it against me, if I told you that you're not the same to me anymore? Would you hold it against me, if I said that I can't recognize you anymore? Would you hold it against me, if I say that I am not me? Would you hold it against me, if I said you are not you? Would you hold it against me, if I knelt down on my knees and said I've had enough? Would you hold it against me, if I said that I can't?

It's true that at the end of stormy path I found a light. I bathed in the warmth, I laughed with my new found clarity... And then on a lonely second of my epiphanic ride, I held my hand out and you caught me. And I couldn't let go. I held on tight...

Wishes were a thousand.. and of thousands were dreams as such. I laughed, I cried, I hoped, I sinned. And all for one destiny. A destination that I thought so surely I'd reach. My fairy tale... My happy ending.

And now, I've lost the hope and my sins mock me through my very reflection. I could so easily blame it all on you.. and yet its not. All I can see is my faults, my mistakes.

You really are not the same anymore.. Neither are you the person I thought you were and nor are you the person I thought you could be. My conscious mocks me, for I chose a shell of a man. A man who I was so sure could give me everything.

I can't help but wonder, am I just insane? Am I just dreaming? Am I ever gonna see reality for what it is? Hopeless, irrevocable chaos. From where there's really no escape. If I take a step back I'll break... If I move forward I'll break.. and if I stay here I'll lose myself.

Would you hold it against me, if I told you that you're not the same to me anymore? Would you hold it against me, if I said that I can't recognize you anymore? Would you hold it against me, if I say that I am not me? Would you hold it against me, if I said you are not you? Would you hold it against me, if I knelt down on my knees and said I've had enough? Would you hold it against me, if I said that I can't? 

082- Writer's Block and Ramblings

Hello! Seems like my blog and I haven't met in AGES. And this I blame on the lack of inspiration that I've been feeling lately.. :/ I seem to be having a writer's block and that sucks big time...

So anyway.. for updates.. I have been attending a workshop conducted by a group of experts in the field of Autism from the U.S of A, and I MUST say that I have never been so sure as to what I wanna do with life. How to get there is the scary part though. :/ I realize that I am very ambitious and at this point I am not sure if its a good thing or a bad thing. But then again its not JUST about me.. I wanna change lives. I wanna bring a smile to someones face and be able to say that *I* made that possible, ya know? :)

[Picture borrowed from here. :)]

Anyway, 2 years ago, right after my O levels I had NO frikkin' idea as to what I wanted to do with life... and now I am so sure. I wanna specialize in Autism. I wanna make a difference for my kids in the association and our society.. I wanna prove to people that I CAN make something of myself. I CAN do things despite being 'young' and 'inexperienced'. Anyway... Just not sure how to get there. o.o



Also, the fact that my expectations from life is so high scares me too.. :/  Scares the hell outta me. :/ I mean what if in 10 years I'm still stuck in the same place? Without growing? How will I deal with that? o.o

I just wanna be somebody, ya know? I feel so connected to my kids... I wanna be able to have the knowledge and expertise it takes to MAKE it possible for them to make a life of their own.. I wanna change lives.. I wanna help open people's mind to multiple possibilities for people with Autism.

Anyway... I am gonna go to sleep now. I just realized that I wasn't updating much so decided to ramble just to have something to post. =P

If this post is boring, or doesn't make any sense, then I am sorry. Its the writer's block I tell you! :O

Goodnight! <3

081- House of Glass

The walls were thin, from the start.
Those walls of glass, that shook so much.
The house that was made, with a fragile heart.
The house that threatened, to fall with one touch.
Oh she lay by the window, which once shone bright.
The same tiny window, which witnessed so many fights.
She shed rivers of tears, she fought the endless fears.
The end was getting near, It was oh so clear.
He was indeed the one, the only manic she knew.
Brighter than the sun, she glowed on the outer view.
Darker than any darkness, at times he caused grief as such.
A feeling of utter happiness, it only took his slightest touch.
She gave and gave, until was left with nothing.
More proof could she have, that he stood for her everything.
He was good though, he always knew to receive.
What he was never sure, was what he was supposed to believe.
So the walls were thin, from the start.
Those walls of glass, that shook so much.
It took one walk out the door,
 crumbled the walls of the House of Glass.
She lay on the floor, the breaths came low,
A smile was what she gave, as soon she’ll pass.

080- Believe

The following poem is dedicated to all the students at the Autism Center that I work with..

You, who know not of deceit,
You, who won't accept defeat.
You, who takes pain by the front seat,
Oh you, who oozes bravery with every heartbeat.

You, who has so less yet so much,
You, who knows no evil or any such.
You, who takes it all inside,
Oh you, who still can give a smile.

You, who should know this story,
You, who's worthy of this glory.
You, who showed me courage and endurance,
Oh you, who taught me adjust and acceptance.

You, who I didn't know existed,
You, who showed the cowardice I reflected.
You, who should know I gave up once,
Oh you, who should know I had blessings in tonnes.

You, who have so much less than me,
You, who endure so much pain to feel.
You, who showed me reason to live,
You should know, you make me believe...

079- The Addicts' Wife

Some people say addiction is a disease; others say it’s a weakness, I say it’s both. It’s a disease that engulfs the person with a terrible weakness.  It’s a disease with just one cure and that’s support.
 
My name is Zeyba and I am a recovering addicts’ wife.

My husband is loving, he’s caring and at times like a prince from a fairytale. He’s also a lot of other things.  But that’s okay coz I made a pledge and I’d stand by him every rough patch on this road. Support, remember that’s the cure.

In a lot of ways my life and his are quite the same. We were both victims to a countless misfortunes as just little kids. The only difference was the paths that we took to deal with the pain. But somewhere along the way we both stopped thinking of ourselves as victims and rather reminded each other that our past was what made us stronger, better.

Mistakes were something that was a huge part of our lives, but somewhere along the way we taught each other to not let the mistakes control our lives. Instead it was what drove us to fight to be better, happier people. And even through the worst of times, our dreams never wavered. We dreamed, and in every one of those dreams we were together, happy.

And when we were together, it was magic. It is magic. Our love restored a faith in our hearts. Faith in the existence of a god. The same God that put us through a countless tests only to will our hearts to find each other. The God that willed us to heal our broken hearts with a love that never changed through the years.

I remember days when we had just started dating. I remember days when he fed me with his own hands every time we had a meal together. And I remember the times my heart raced every time he smiled. I remember the goose bumps all over my skin with just one kiss. And it takes all my pain away to know that even today he’d feed me with his hands. Even today, a smile and my heart races. Even today, one kiss and goose bumps cover every inch of my skin.

Don’t get me wrong, things aren’t always rainbows and butterflies. Things can be lightning storms and thunders from time to time. He’ll get on my nerves, he’d say hurtful things but patience can only solve the problems that come between us. I get angry so many times, but I always remember to calm down before I talk to him. And I learnt this with a thousand mistakes.

A thousand tears were shed in those times that he fought to be sober. His body weakened, his eyes hallucinating- It broke my heart. His hands pleading in front of me for the pain to go away. It cracked my faith but it never broke. I held on to the hope coz I knew I could never give up on him. I knew eventually this would be worth all of my tears and his. 

Today I am proud to say that I stand beside the man that I believed he could be 15 years ago. I stand beside a transformed man. It’s as though he was never the helpless person that I met so long ago. He’s my husband, father to my child and owner of a happy house that we like to call home.

But the road up to this point was heart. Every step of the way my patience was put to test. But I stuck around coz I wasn’t the only one changing or healing him, he changed and healed me too. And one thing that I’ll have to believe that any second my life could take a turn to the bad side. Relapsing is something I have to believe is not too far from us. But thats okay coz I’ll stand by him through thick and thin. I'll never let him fall.

Support, remember that’s the cure.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

People make mistakes. Sometimes some people make bigger mistakes than others, that however does not mean that they couldn't change. Every addict has a right to have a supportive environment. Every addict has a right to be given a chance to prove themselves. And we should believe in our hearts that change does not happen over night. It takes time. 

Support is what I believe will eliminate addiction from our society.

078- Respect and Accept.

I've written this piece of poetry from what I imagine to be an autistic point of view. Although I am sure there's so much more to what one would feel and for that I'll always show compassion to each and every one. I do not believe that Autism is a disease or an illness. Its simply is a disorder. DIS ORDER, As in a different order than how our brains are wired. Although this does not mean that it makes their intellect less or damaged. It simply means its different whilst harboring all the potential as you or me has for excellence. :)

So always remember different, NOT less.

And so hear goes into advocating respect and acceptance for Autism.

--------------------------------------------------------

What good is order when order makes no sense?
It matters when disorder makes you tense,
I admit around me is this tall fence,
But I promise I am without false pretense.

At times I cannot say those words,
I can’t understand those huge billboards,
A man naked above huge roads,
Thoughts inside of me grows tenfold.

Mostly its people I can’t understand,
Expressions havocking as a marching band,
Things spinning that pulls me out of my stand,
I wish you’d be my guiding hand.

I find I can’t express what I feel,
And no, I do not wish to heal,
It is what truly makes me real,
Although in my eyes, the world is surreal.

At times, a hug seems too much,
As though I am on fire or something as such,
As though I suffocate with just one touch,
At the core of my heart it does truly clutch.

I am different that too I’ve always known,
And my feelings could never be truly shown,
And with every second my love has grown,
And it’s not my wish to forever be alone.

I wish you’d show me some respect,
I wish you’d understand what I expect,
It not much to tell me that you accept,
Differences aside, show how to adapt.

Treat me as though I am one of you,
Treat me as though I have feelings too,
Heal me when I feel like forever blue,
Save me each time, forever be true.                            

076- Magic

[Photography by moi. ^^ ]

Demons engulf my hearts' depth,
Nightmares cover every inch of my sleep.
Haunting are the secrets that I have kept,
And alone I feel I am losing myself.

Cynical I am for that's how I've been,
Pessimist I was and somehow still am.
Situations and disasters I should've never seen,
You're the only soul to put me out of shame.

With you the demons stop existing,
As though the nightmares I never saw.
The secrets are in hands of protecting,
Every cell of my body would never let go.

For what good is logic,
That got me nowhere.
Worthwhile is this MAGIC,
We've spread everywhere.

075- 07 February 2012, Angaara, Dhivehiraajeyge Thaareekhun Safuhaaeh-Alhuganduge Galamun.

Note: Alhugandakee thajuribaa kaarehves nooneve, adhi mi dhaairaain kiyavaaigen huri meeheh ves nooneve. Mi article gai vaanee vamundhaa kanthah thah balaa meeheh haisiyathun alhuganduge khiyaaleve.

[Picture borrowed from here]

Alhugandah miyadhu fennnamun dhaa manzarakee foni-hithi manzarekey alhugandah bunevidhaane eve.  Alhuganduge gaigaaves hingamun dhanee Dhivehi ley kamun alhuganduves  mi gaumaa dheythereygaa kanboduvaakan alhugandu mi blog zariyyaain hissa kollan beynun ve eve. Corruption in furifai vi gaumehge vaahaka aai, faisaage dhahivethi kamugai kanu vefaifi verin thakehge vaahaka dhakkaa varah vure alhugandu lha kamugai ves alhugandu gabool kurameve. Namaves, Dhivehi dhari akah veethee, adhi Dhivehi rayyithakah veethee alhuganduge khiyaaluves alhugandu hissaa kollan beynun vaakan eii alhugandu kusheh kamugai nudhekemeve. 

Aharuthakeh kurin, Male’ ge maguthakugai meehaku ethakeh dhuvas thakeh vandhen minivankamey mikiyaa echcheh hoadhumah adu ufuli vaahaka alhuganduves eheemeve. Meenaa huttumeh nethi govamun dhiyaee meenaage khiyaalu faalhu kurumuge haggu meena ah liben jeheyne kamashaai, khudhu mukhuthaaru veriehge kibain Dhivehi raaje salaamai kurumah dhivehin nukuthumasheve. Rayyithun nahama gothugai bandhu koh, jalugai aniya kurumaai, aailee verikameh kuramun dhiya mi khudhu mukhthar veriyage kibain meena Dhivehi rayyithun salaamai kurumah kuri muzahara ekoala eve. Meena mi aniyaaveri veriyaage verikan vattaala, Dhivehi rayyithunge haggu, rayyithunah hoadhaadhinumah kuri hanguraama ekoala eve.

Muzaharage zareeaa in meena ah e veriyage verikan vattaanulevumu kamugai vee namaves, 2008 ge November 11 vee dhuhuku meenaage huvafen hageegathakah badhal vegen dhiya than alhuganduves dhusheemeve. Rayyithunnah meena ungannaidhemun dhiya filaavalhuthah rangalhah rayyithunah dhasve eyge natheeja rangalhah fenigen dhiya eve. Rayyithungeves hagguthakeh vaa kamashaai, dhiriulhumuge fenvaru mathi kurevidhane kamashai, e ah vure faagathi maadhamaa eh fennan vane kamashaai adhi Dhivehi raajeyge 30 aharuge verikamah badhaleh gennan vejjekan rayyithunnah meenaa ihusaas kohdhineve. Namaves riyaasee inthihaabugai furuthama burun meena ah maa gina vote thakeh nulibuneh kamaku, komme Dhivehi rayyithehge hithugaives badhaleh dhekumah oi umeedhehge bodu kamunnai, eyruge raees ge opposition gai thibi hurihaa party aka eku vee ethah vaudhakah fahu ebaimeehunnaai baiathu hifumun, e ihthihaadhuge barosa gai rayyithun meena verikamah genai than alhugandu ves dhusheemeve.

Verikamah eri iru, meenage vaudhuthah ginave bandun dhaa varugai viyeve. Namaves fennamun dhiyaee nuhanu hiyy gaimu huvafen thakeve. Furihama democracy eh gaaimu kohdheyne kamashaai, ai foara fashun boa hiyaavahikan libeyne goi fahi kohdheyne kamashaai, Beys sitee ah salaan jahan nujeheyne kamashaai, dhathuru fathuru ge nizaamun Dhivehi raaje gulhuvai dheyne kamashaai, IMEH NEI gothugai khiyaalu faalhu kurumuge minivankan onnaane kamashaai, IMEH NEI gothugai media ah minivankan onnane kamashaai, aailee verikamakah jaagaeh noanaane kamashaai, baaruge beynun kohgen verikan nukurane kamashaai adhi minoonves ethah haas foni huvafen thakeh meenaa rayyithunge  loa kuri matheegai meenage foni bas thakun athuraali eve.

Namaves eyna ge dhauruge medhaka hama ah dhiya iru mi fennan feshee kon fadha manzaru thakeh thaa eve. Zamaanusure mi gaumugai oi maai vi dheen nethi kollumah meena kuramun dhiya masakkai thah madu madun fenmathi vamun dhiya eve. Gina faharu thakehge mathin raa vikkumuge hudhdha dheyn masakai kurumaai, bayaku meehun mi kan kamaa adu ufulumun dheenah furassaara vaa gothah podium thakugai vaahakathah dhekki adu alhuganduge dhe kanfathunves eheemeve. Sarukaaruge than than privatization ge namugai ethakeh aharakah sarukaarah faidhaa nuvaane hen meehunah dhee, aailaage meehunaai gaai thimaage meehunah sarukaaruge is vazeefaathah dhemun dhiya manzaru alhuganduge dhelolun ves dhusheemeve. Gaanoon asaasee in beyrun amuru hingumaai, insaanee hagguthaka khilaafah meehaku gengos bandhu kurumaai, bodethi aguthah dhee rayyithunge majileehuge memberun baazaarugai vaa thakethi fadhain gane vikki sarukaaru mee meenaa buni corruption free sarukaaru baa eve.  Beys sitee ah salaan jahan nujeheyne kamugai buni iru, khudh alhugandu hiley beys faruvaage marukazah dhiyumun alhugandaa dheytherey gaives kanthah kuree rangalhakun noon kan alhugandu handhaan hunnane eve. Ethan mithanugai flat thah alhamun dhiya iru, flat thah dhinumugai nahama goithah beynun kuramun dhiya than fennamun dhiya eve.

Mihira kahala kankamaa hedhi meenaa aa dhekolhah ethah baivaru Dhivehi rayyithunneh adu ufulumah nukuthumun fuluhunnah gaanoon asaaseege beyrun rayyithunnah ihaanethikoh kanthah kurumah amuru hingi mi veriyaa alhugandumenah vaudhuvee khiyaalu faalhu kurumuge minivankan edhuhu alhugandumenge athugai oih baa eve. Alhugandu menah khudhu meenaa dhin haggu ge beynun kuramun dhiya iru meenaage amurah fuluhun naai sifain rayyithunnah kanthah kuramundhiya aniyaaveri goithah hama gaimuves alhuganduge hithakun nufilaane eve. Khudhu meenaa maguthakah nukume hoadheyn buni democracy kobaitho? Fuluhun beynun kohgen rayyithunge basthah obbaalan masakai kuri iru, baaruge beynun kohgen verikamugai nuhunnaane kamuge vaudhu meenaa handhaan natthaalaafai nuveyheyyeve.

Ehen namaves, fuluhunnai sifain adhi Dhivehi rayyithunge minneh massakkathun miyadhu e huvafen dhakkamun, rayyithunge loa thakugai andhun alhamun ai veriyaage veri kamah nimumeh aisfi eve.  Adhi mikama alhugandu ufaa faalhu kuraakan alhugandu mi liyumun angan ves beynun veyeve. Alhugandumenah foni ummeedhu thakaa huvafen thakehge baarugai naajaais faidhaa thakeh nagamun ai e veriyaage isthiufaa vegen alhuganduge dhuvahu highlight kamugai kan kashavareve. 

Namaves, alhuganduge hithah annanee emme suvaalekeve. Dhenves verikan kuran alhugandumenah heyo edheyne veriaku annane baa eve. Mi gaumugai  faisaage dhahivethi kamaai, baaruge dhahivethikamah amilla nafsu vikkaalaafai nuvaa meeheh alhuganduge lolakah nufeneve. Is veringe magaamugai mulhinves koalhemun dhaa than alhugandah fennanee hahthahaaves dhefuh dhegoih, ithubaaru nuhifey meehun thakeve. Mihen kamun mi ufalugaives alhuganduge hithugai kommeves varehge hithaama thakeh ves vaakan mi liyumugai hissaa kollan beynun ve eve.

Alhuganduge mi liyun nimmaalamun alhugandu bunaa hiyy othee, mifadha haalathehgai mi gaumu vaa iru alhugandu men ge thereah RAYYITHUNNAH hithuge adin heyo edhey veriehge alhugandumenge thereygai faharugaives vedhaane baa eve.. Alhugandu hithuge adin edhenee, mi Dhivehi raaje ah mi fadha veriaku aumeve. 

Alhuganduge dua akee fithuna fasaadha aai, corruption ge vabaain mi gaumu salaamai kohdhevvumaai alhugandumenge dheen himaayai koh, annan oi jeelu thakaa hama ahves mi gaumuge aman amaan kanmathee dhemigen dhaane dhuvaheh Allah alhugandumenah dhakkevumeve. Ameen.

074- A Happiness worth the Doom?

What I want is what I shouldn't have

What I shouldn't have is what makes me Happy,

What makes me Happy is what will make me Doomed,

So basically the question is, Is my Doom worth my Happiness?

073- An Endless High.

Frustrations disappear with a heavy sigh,

Anger vanishes inside this bliss.

Tensions replaced by an endless high,
 

All I want is just one more kiss.

072- Gellifa. [A Dhivehi Short Story,]

[Picture borrowed from http://kingdomheartsaxelluv.deviantart.com/art/A-Face-In-The-Dark-163834749]

Hayaathuge ethah dhuvaheh heydhavee amilla nafsah olhuvaalumehge thereygaey. Kuda kuda mausoom kujjakun furaa furihama vi anhen kujjakah vegen dhiya iru, eynaa mulhinves dhuvasthah beykaaru kuree olhuvaalumehge thereygaey. Hithuga foruvaigen huri ethah haas sihreh hingamun e ai maguge vaki hisaabakun khudhu eynaa ah ves foruvi nimijje ey. Eynaage zameeru bodu fottehge emme adi ah laa thalhulevunu fadha ey. E zameeru dhuvahakuves dhirigen annane kamuge ummeedheh eyru eynaa akah nukureve ey.

Eyna ge hayaathuge emme bana dhuvas thah ai iru, kaireega in hama ekani meehaage foni bas thah miyadhu ves hithuga hanjarakun kandaa negifa vaa kahala ey. Kurin nukurevey ethah ihusaaseh edhuhu eynage hithaa sikundeega dhauru vamun dhiya ey. Eynage nafsah foruvifaivi sirruthah edhuvahu madu madun vinuvemun aey. Bodu fosheegai bandhu vefaivi zameeru minivanvumah edhi govan feshi kahala ey. Hithuge emme adeegai vi udhaas thakaa biruthah angain beyru vee iru ehithah lui kameh ihsaas vi ey. Bey ikhthiyaarugai namaves e foni bas thakuge veriya ah eyna ge hiy hiba kurevijje thaa ey. Hithuga hatharu faarugai umeedhu thakaa huvafen thakuge kula levunee thaa ey.

Huvafen thah dheken feshi iru hithugai vi udhaas thakah nimumeh ai hen heevi ey. Eyna ge hithugai ithuru veyn thakeh libeyney kan eyru eynaa akah nuvisne ey. Ethah dhuvaheh vandhen eynage nafsah kanthah thakeh foruvi kamugai viyas, hevaa nubai eyna ah olhifai vee madhu faharegga ey. Eyna ah kutthakeh kurevifai vee namaves kushuge bodu kamun mayoos vaan jehey varu kameh eyna ah kurevifa eh nuve ey. Namaves edhuvahu e foni basthakuge ithubaaru eynage visnumah vure eyna ah muhimmu vee thaa ey. E dhuvahu anehkaaves eyna ah eynage nafsu gellunu kahalaey.

Miyadhu mayoosee ge aalamugai eyna karuna elhi kamugai viyas e foni bas thah alun iveyney hey? Eynage nafsa eku edhuvahu eyna ah gellunu hithaa sikundi alun libeyney hey? Nethas mi dhuniyeyn ufaleh miyadhu, maaf akhiruga libeyney hey?

071- I tell Lies. I tell 'em good.

[Photography by moi! Not borrowed this time. ^^ Oh and hand modeling by moi too. :P]

I tell lies. I tell 'em good. Speaking through my mind, I paint my dreams on a canvas of people that have no idea of who I really am. Dreams that scares me a lot more than it does calm me. And the constant fear of it never coming true, is the thing that drives me to deceive those that think they know me.. And quite honestly, I don't know how I SHOULD deal with it. The fear I mean...

So I tell lies. I tell 'em good. Lies which in reality, are just my dreams. My desperate attempts at making those even remotely true. The lies that comes out in a string through my teeth, its just me telling myself that those lies/dreams are true. It is a desperate hope to make myself believe that I was never disappointed. A desperate hope that somehow making someone else believe that my dreams are my reality will somehow MAKE it my reality in the end.

The funny thing is the doubts still invade my mind.. What if my dreams just remain dreams, what if it may never become my reality? What do I do when everyone finds out I deceived them? What do I do when I realize I deceived MYSELF? How do I move on from that?

I guess I'd just have to learn to be content in believing my own sweet lies. At least its true for a while..

So.. Yes, I tell lies. I tell 'em good.

070- Happy New Year.

2012
 
[New beginning.]

Leave all the sadness, all the heartache and regrets in 2011.. Happy new year. =)
This year, Insha Allah shall be different. =D