058- Not Every Story Has a Happy Ending.

It was an early morning in the middle of February, when a feeble thread ran a few thousand miles to connect our hearts in this confused road. Even though that this was going to prove to be an even darker abyss that I was falling than I ever imagined possible, I remember a feeling of... well, I was feeling good.

Ever since that first hello, I had my heart racing at every word we exchanged. And with every word we exchanged, I was sure I wanted to know more. Now I will be honest, there came a point when I thought I didn't want to know you anymore. Partly because I was fed up of trying to 'save' people, another part was that I was completely and utterly afraid. So when my heart started flying away from the sanctuary of a scarred chest, I aimed to fight yet ended up surrendering instead.

I know it might have been a poor choice to trust you completely with all of myself, but I did because I was sure that ahead we had a brighter path. Bright it was only for a while. Soon after, dark days came and passed me by only to return after a while. Dark days beat me until I was numb, but honey I swear I never gave up. Things looked bleak even in the light of our love. Was I to have turned a blind eye on it all?

Nights that my mind wandered, I lay in my bed wondering. What makes this any different than the ones before? What was it that made this stand out? And even after half a year of trying to figure it out, I am still not sure. The only thing that came even slightly closer to an answer was that, your intentions were good. Despite all that took place in between that moment of clarity to the moment of utter confusion,  I guess I held on all these while because I was so sure of those three words that so often you whispered in my ears.

I forgave and forgave every mistake that you made. I forgave every hurtful word that came out of your mouth. I saw that you were straying even when you stayed on this path. I saw all of you yet I chose to be blind. I waited a long time with my arms outstretched. I waited a long time hoping you'd let me save you. 

There came a point when doubts took over every square inch of my mind. And because of those doubts I left and left again only to end up back in front of your door. But I can honestly say that the thought of you never left my mind. You must have thought that I didn't care, but it was because I cared that I left so many times. I've always wanted what was best for you. And I am truly sorry I could never prove that to you.

And I've loved you like I've never dared to love before. And I've trusted you enough to show parts of me that I had kept hidden a million years. And I've hoped like I've never known heartbreak before.. yet I sit here wondering.. What good is a love that doesn't give you hope? What good is a trust that doesn't teach you trust? What good is a hope that will shatter in the end? What good is it all, if in the end it all holds no meaning in your eyes?

What difference does it make, if you end up damned anyways?

057- The story of Anyone and No one by E. E. Cummings.

“Anyone lived in a pretty how town
(with up so floating many bells down)
spring summer autumn winter
he sang his didn't he danced his did

Women and men(both little and small)
cared for anyone not at all
they sowed their isn't they reaped their same
sun moon stars rain

children guessed(but only a few
and down they forgot as up they grew
autumn winter spring summer)
that noone loved him more by more

when by now and tree by leaf
she laughed his joy she cried his grief
bird by snow and stir by still
anyone's any was all to her

someones married their everyones
laughed their cryings and did their dance
(sleep wake hope and then)they
said their nevers they slept their dream

stars rain sun moon
(and only the snow can begin to explain
how children are apt to forget to remember
with up so floating many bells down)

one day anyone died i guess
(and noone stooped to kiss his face)
busy folk buried them side by side
little by little and was by was

all by all and deep by deep
and more by more they dream their sleep
noone and anyone earth by april
wish by spirit and if by yes.

Women and men (both dong and ding)
summer autumn winter spring
reaped their sowing and went their came
sun moon stars rain”

~A poem that I came across while googling E.E. Cummings that I am absolutely in love with. :)

056- Prayer.

"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference."

May Allah bless his soul and grant him Jannah. And may Allah give strength to all those who are grieving his death. Ameen.

055- In Another Universe.

I ran into my Daddy’s arms as he walked in from work. I pull his tie with my tiny hands. I am three years old and I am a happy little girl. Daddy holds my hand while he asks about my day and I answer  him with a bubbly voice while I stare at him with my innocent eyes.  We find my Mom sitting in our rocking chair and she smiles at Daddy as we walk towards her. Daddy places his hand on my Mom’s head and kisses her hair lovingly. I smile a broad smile while I climb on her lap. A happy family, that’s what we are.

I am six years old. I sit by a little table with paint and colours all over my hands and dress. I am painting pictures of flying birds, of happy little families. I run around the house searching for my mother. I show her my painting, she marvels at my talent. Such happy thoughts, such inspirational art. And I hug my Mom tight. Carefree I am.

I have graduated high school. I smile down at my parents while I received my certificate. I am sixteen now, my eyes filled with dreams.  My Mom and Dad hug me, their eyes full of happy tears. Dad has gotten me a spot in one of the best art schools. My future is bright. I am gonna live my dreams.

I am eighteen years old. It’s a huge birthday party. My parents celebrate every year, yet somehow this year seems more defined. I am having fun. I am ecstatic. A room full of people, a house full of people who loves me.  And across the room, I see a boy. He sits by a table and stares at me. Perhaps it is love at first sight. And I realize, I am in love.

Considering I didn’t know how it happened, it DID happen with the perfect person. He’s hardworking he’s loving and he’s responsible. I know he’ll take good care of me. I wont have a single worry on my mind. In a long white dress I stand in front of him. I am his forever. Until death do us part. This is it, this is my happy ending

Suddenly I wake, I am covered in sweat. I hear feet dragging on the floor. He’s home now, my father, and drunk like hell. And there sits my mother swallowing sobs inside of her. I sit inside my room, where I lose my mind. And my life flashes before my eyes. A drunken father, depressed mother and fourteen years of being abused in more ways than one.  I look at the walls with my paintings. I stare at those walls covered with blacks and reds of my life. And I sigh as I think of what could have been. What could have been, had it been in another Universe.

054- A picture, Memories and A Ghost of a Smile.

Life for me will always be one without you here by my side. A life where I wont see you smile
down at me, the way you always did before. A smile that I'll forever remember until I die.

Life will always be one where I wont see your handsome face. Instead I'll always carry a picture.
A picture to which, every night I'll say goodnight. A picture on which I'll lay a kiss every
night before I sleep.

And yes, the memories. The memories I take wherever I go. Whatever I do. The memories of a loving You and a lucky me. The memories of a guy who loved me like I was the only thing in the world. The memories of a perfect time. The memories of my smile whenever you were around. Memories which, every time conjured up a ghost of that smile.

Yes, it would hurt, never being able to see those eyes. It would hurt never being able to be held in
your arms. It would hurt so much to never hear you say my name. And it would hurt like hell to
never be able to call you mine. But what would hurt the most is knowing that I chose this life,
a life without you. Coz as much as we want our own happy ending, seldom does things ever go the we thought it would..

And so a picture I hug before I sleep. Memories I carry wherever I go. And that ghost of a smile
is all I have left of the person I used to be...