Sunday, July 22, 2012

083- Would you hold it against me?

"WOULD YOU HOLD IT AGAINST ME?"

Would you hold it against me, if I told you that you're not the same to me anymore? Would you hold it against me, if I said that I can't recognize you anymore? Would you hold it against me, if I say that I am not me? Would you hold it against me, if I said you are not you? Would you hold it against me, if I knelt down on my knees and said I've had enough? Would you hold it against me, if I said that I can't?

It's true that at the end of stormy path I found a light. I bathed in the warmth, I laughed with my new found clarity... And then on a lonely second of my epiphanic ride, I held my hand out and you caught me. And I couldn't let go. I held on tight...

Wishes were a thousand.. and of thousands were dreams as such. I laughed, I cried, I hoped, I sinned. And all for one destiny. A destination that I thought so surely I'd reach. My fairy tale... My happy ending.

And now, I've lost the hope and my sins mock me through my very reflection. I could so easily blame it all on you.. and yet its not. All I can see is my faults, my mistakes.

You really are not the same anymore.. Neither are you the person I thought you were and nor are you the person I thought you could be. My conscious mocks me, for I chose a shell of a man. A man who I was so sure could give me everything.

I can't help but wonder, am I just insane? Am I just dreaming? Am I ever gonna see reality for what it is? Hopeless, irrevocable chaos. From where there's really no escape. If I take a step back I'll break... If I move forward I'll break.. and if I stay here I'll lose myself.

Would you hold it against me, if I told you that you're not the same to me anymore? Would you hold it against me, if I said that I can't recognize you anymore? Would you hold it against me, if I say that I am not me? Would you hold it against me, if I said you are not you? Would you hold it against me, if I knelt down on my knees and said I've had enough? Would you hold it against me, if I said that I can't? 

Wednesday, July 4, 2012

082- Writer's Block and Ramblings

Hello! Seems like my blog and I haven't met in AGES. And this I blame on the lack of inspiration that I've been feeling lately.. :/ I seem to be having a writer's block and that sucks big time...

So anyway.. for updates.. I have been attending a workshop conducted by a group of experts in the field of Autism from the U.S of A, and I MUST say that I have never been so sure as to what I wanna do with life. How to get there is the scary part though. :/ I realize that I am very ambitious and at this point I am not sure if its a good thing or a bad thing. But then again its not JUST about me.. I wanna change lives. I wanna bring a smile to someones face and be able to say that *I* made that possible, ya know? :)

[Picture borrowed from here. :)]
Anyway, 2 years ago, right after my O levels I had NO frikkin' idea as to what I wanted to do with life... and now I am so sure. I wanna specialize in Autism. I wanna make a difference for my kids in the association and our society.. I wanna prove to people that I CAN make something of myself. I CAN do things despite being 'young' and 'inexperienced'. Anyway... Just not sure how to get there. o.o



Also, the fact that my expectations from life is so high scares me too.. :/  Scares the hell outta me. :/ I mean what if in 10 years I'm still stuck in the same place? Without growing? How will I deal with that? o.o

I just wanna be somebody, ya know? I feel so connected to my kids... I wanna be able to have the knowledge and expertise it takes to MAKE it possible for them to make a life of their own.. I wanna change lives.. I wanna help open people's mind to multiple possibilities for people with Autism.

Anyway... I am gonna go to sleep now. I just realized that I wasn't updating much so decided to ramble just to have something to post. =P

If this post is boring, or doesn't make any sense, then I am sorry. Its the writer's block I tell you! :O

Goodnight! <3